Getting Back To Me
I sat down somewhere. I put my life on the back burner. I told my dreams, wait right here, I'll be back for you. I stopped speaking my truth. I even put God in a perfectly hand crafted little box that I myself created. I kept Him close enough so that I could see Him and use Him at my discretion but not enough to completely surrender my will to Him. I was determined to do things my way. Until one day, I looked around and everything became clear. What I saw was not pretty. I wasn't happy. I had lost myself. I had given myself unselfishly to twenty years of marriage, five amazing children, a career I loved but knew it was not fulfilling my destiny, blurred dreams and a perfectly crafted box where my God resided. I was making deposits into everyone else but no one was depositing into me and neither was I.
I was alone. I felt powerless. He began knocking at the door of my heart. He would softly knock from time to time during the twenty years of marriage but I would nod in His direction and turn a deaf ear. The knock became louder but I never completely answered because it caused this tug of war in my marriage. I remember the time I tried to step out in faith and write my first book, (I said first because many will follow) I was on cloud nine; the Lord spoke and I wrote. When it was time to promote it, I was ecstatic because I knew how much of a blessing it would be. I felt good about my faith, hearing God, being obedient and answering the calling on my life. But, my home was not happy so I reeled it back in. For so many reasons, my home was not happy. Perhaps I will explore more as I go on this journey of getting back to me but for now I will leave it at that. My point is, the Lord made a promise to me saying, "you will minister to the masses. You will bless couples all over the world." I never once considered the fact that this promise didn't have my ex's name on it. I always saw us as a team. I always believed that one day we would do the work together. Although I moved so far away from my dreams, my visions and the calling on my life, I never forgot His promise. He begin knocking so loud into my spirit that I could no longer ignore it. I had to answer the call. When I realized I was out there all alone doing things without God, I desperately wanted to step back into obedience but to my surprise where was I? I looked around but didn't quite recognize Stacey anymore. Who was I? My confidence was shot, my voice had been silenced, my faith was at an all time low. When I tried to take a step, I realized I was on my knees. My walk had turned into a complete crawl.
Now here I am, on this journey of self discovery (I still can't believe I'm saying this. I thought I had it all together. I thought I knew me, I thought I was confident. All this time I tried convincing myself, I was doing things God's way). I have to be honest with where I am, with who I have become and with the things I have made a priority in my life. In this process, I'm fully committing myself back to my Creator. My aim and my goal is to surrender and allow Him to accomplish His purpose, His plan, and His will for my life through my life. The most astounding part of all is that He still loves me and wants to use me. Even though I was disobedient, even though I've made bad choices and costly mistakes, God still loves me and wants to use me. His grace and mercy never fails. I'm taking time to heal myself. This time I'm doing it my way or should I say God's way. My first and main priority is my Father in heaven. He is the source of my existence. He is the reason I am. He is my why. He directs my steps and gives my life purpose. I am so thankful that He came back for me. I might be crawling but I'm moving and I'm getting my life back, I can see again! It feels so good to stand for the God in me, to look up and see the the light. This blog is about me Getting Back To Me.
~I'm reconnecting with God
~I'm telling myself yes
~I'm approving myself
~I'm standing on my story not in my story
~I'm healing and starting over after 20 years of marriage
Ladies, you're welcome to go on this journey with me as I turn my crawl into a walk, as I strengthen my inner man with the word of God, as I transition out of nursing into full time writing, coaching, speaking and of course as I help myself and my children heal from a failed marriage. And oh yeah, did you hear what I said? In spite of me, He loves and wants to be in relationship with me. Not only me but with you also. His love covers a multitude of sin. Once we make a decision to return to Him, His faithfulness reminds us that He never left us.
Have you ever sat down and forgot where you left yourself?