Obedience is Better Than Sacrifice, pt.2
Updated: Aug 1, 2019
I often wonder what life would have been like if I waited on God. What would the ex be like? Who would he have become? Who would I have become? I talked about how the Lord told me BEFORE I got married, to end the relationship in a previous post. What if I listened, what if I was obedient. Would my ex and I be ministering to couples instead of planning a divorce? How much intimacy, love, oneness would we have experienced? Very painful to be sitting in my reality right now. I am aware that it takes two to tango. There's always two sides to every story. Although there was an array of accumulations that lead to the breakdown of our marriage, I can see clearly how the brokenness all stemmed from my initial disobedience and unwillingness to wait on God. The trust that had been established seven years prior to marriage was severed. Not only was his trust in me gone but his trust in God, was irreparable once I took God out of the equation and decided to do things my way. I deeply wounded my ex and he would never forgive me. I believe he also was holding onto "what was" prior to the break up that had him enter into the marriage covenant with me. Understandably, he was blind sided by my faith and I on the other hand, was in for the lesson of my life. I couldn't figure out why we couldn't get back to the genuine love that we once shared. It always seemed as if we were on separate pages. We loved each other and I believe were in love with one another. There would be moments of deep intimacy and then times of complete disengagement. My ex would tell me early in the marriage that we were on separate pages. I never wanted to believe that, so I didn't. I pushed back all the subtle signs and worked even harder to make it work. I loved loving him. I loved creating a family and life with him. I loved being in that moment with him because I was looking ahead to our future, the life I believed was waiting for us.
What I realized was, making it work meant giving up parts of me. (I was still willing) I slowed down my church attendance. Instead of going Sunday's, Wednesdays and singing on praise team, I let go of singing and noticed things seems a tad bit better at home then I eventually stopped attending mid week service. My ex was never the type to discourage me or try to stop me from going but I couldn't help but notice he was happier and married life was better. Over an eight year span, I eventually stopped going to church all together. Life was just happening. Babies kept coming and it was convenient working weekends because of family dynamics. That was partly true. The truth was, I could see how much more secure and happier my husband was when I put God to the side. I carried the excuse that it was best for the family, with me working weekends. I was living a lie because I desperately wanted to please my husband. I wanted to get to the blessings God had promised. Not realizing the blessing was CONDITIONAL. I had a difficult time not fully engaging in church. I loved being apart of the physical body of Christ, if that makes sense, so I just stopped all together. I didn't want my relationship to be half-hearted with other believers. My heart ached for God. Giving up that time with Him was like giving up parts of me. I've always had a deep spiritual connection from the time I accepted the Lord Jesus as my personal Savior. I longed for Him, I missed our connection. When things went wrong in our marriage, I ran to God. He was my life line. When the ex felt rejection or problems in our marriage, he would turn to other things.
How long could we go on like this? One day it dawned on me that I had sacrificed too much for too long. Shoot, we both sacrificed too much for too long and wasn't getting any closer to the promises of God. My marriage was falling apart even after I put my relationship on hold with God. I was at a crossroad. Obedience, authentic relationship, who I really was hung in the balance. I had to make a choice. I could sit here in this house that I could clearly see was on fire and watch it burn down with everyone inside OR I could take action and get everybody out safely with only our clothes singed and beautiful memories to carry us on. I had to take a stand for who I really am. I wasn't willing to forfeit my destiny. The moment I realized my ex could not and had no desire to be apart of the calling on my life, I decided to help everyone get out of the burning house. I knew no one would understand because they were all sleeping. They didn't smell the smoke or see the fire. The ex, on the other hand, saw the smoke but kept fanning it away even putting towels under the door to buy time. He knew the house was burning but didn't know how to save it. Once I became 100% committed to discovering who this woman was that God said would minister to the masses and bless couples all over the world, I became unapologetic about taking care of Stacey. I became nonnegotiable in standing up for my spiritual truth. I committed myself to getting back to me and not allow myself or my children to die in a burning fire.
Putting the pieces of me back together starts with:
• Investing in my personal development
• Rekindling my faith
• Feeding my mind with knowledge that broadens my perspective
• Committing to rediscovering me
• Pampering and loving on me physically, spiritually, emotionally, mentally
How are you showing up for yourself these days? Are you committed to being unapologetic to reach the best version of yourself? You know you can do all of this in a very peaceful, loving, and kind way and remain happily married, if you're married. Don't get caught up in what if's. Ask yourself a better question- like how can I do this differently next time. This type of question keeps you open and moving forward.