Obedience Is Better Than Sacrifice, pt.1
I know there's at least one person out there who wants to ask, what happened? She's an author, who wrote a book on marriage. How can this be? Is this the work of the enemy? Why is her marriage falling apart? But you'll sit back and wait for the answer to show up because nobody wants to be the first one to raise their hand and ask a question, lol. Before I tell you the answer to that question, let me say this. I decided to create this blog as a means of committing to my truth and making a declaration to stay in action to become the women I've always known myself to be. I started to blog as a way to help myself heal. It is very comforting and therapeutic just "getting it out" because in a way, I felt silenced for so many years. My hope is that as I journey back to my truth, I might be able to support other women as they transition from one phase of life into the next. Change is everything but easy and I would often times find myself getting stuck in the overwhelming process. I know I am not alone; so if you find yourself nodding your head at any point as you read along, please don't hesitate to share, give insight or take some of the nuggets I leave behind. This blog is not just for me. It's for women all over the world who are ready to take a stand for themselves and live their best lives.
We all have our own cross to carry and mine happens to be me going through a divorce. But let me tell you what this blog is not, it is not a bash the ex and see how far I can drag him blog. I have been married for twenty years. I have been with this man a total of thirty years. We were high school sweethearts and madly in love for nine years before we tied the knot. Everyone who knew us, knew it was a match made in heaven. I believed with everything in me that God brought us together, he felt the same. I had never known anyone to share what we shared in a relationship. We were best friends, we knew what the other was thinking, could finish each others sentences and our joy was found in making the other happy. He was my prince and I was his princess. He was my EVERYTHING! We have five children that God saw fit to allow us to parent and by His grace they're doing well. My goal is to go on this journey and tell my truth while keeping his dignity intact. Although, I'm not in love with him anymore, I love what we created and my children are one with their dad. If I tear him down, I destroy apart of them. I've worked too hard and sacrificed too much to make sure I deposited life into our kids to throw it away because life is changing for me and their dad.
So what happened to us you ask? Well like I said, my ex ( I'll refer to him as "the ex" to protect his privacy) was my everything and I didn't know how much until we were seven years into the relationship and I found God. The Lord began to speak to me saying, "Let him go. He has become your god and there's no place for me. You have to let him go." I couldn't sleep. I couldn't think straight. I couldn't rest because the Lord kept bringing those words before me, "Let him go. You have him sitting on my throne and there is no room for me. Let him go." He then went on to say, "If you let him go, I will bring this relationship back together again and bless it one hundred percent more than it has already been blessed." It was the craziest thing ever because I had never heard God speak to me before, like audibly in my spirit. When I heard it, I knew it and I had to obey. I ended the relationship with the ex and he was devastated. I was devastated. My family thought I had lost it. Everyone was asking, now are you sure God told you to do that? I was sure but the more they asked, the more confused I became. I started overthinking and talking myself out of it until fear had completely engulfed me. I told myself I was crazy and said, "You better go back and get him. He's the best thing that has ever happened to you. Girl you have lost your mind. You better go get your man." I talked myself out of God's truth. I even tried to rationalize my actions by saying well in the bible Abraham was going to sacrifice Isaac but when God saw his heart, He told him to stop and not to kill his son. So maybe God saw my heart when I let him go and was giving me permission to go back to the relationship (one week later), SMH. Twenty years later, four marriage counselors, a separation, a miserable ending, purpose put on hold, it came back to me that I was disobedient. My fear caused me to step outside of God and do things that made sense to my natural mind. I never allowed God to do His work inside of myself or the ex before we married. I never allowed God to bring us back together- His way. I went and got my man! If only I had obeyed upfront. If only I had waited on God. If only I had allowed Him to bring the marriage together. Instead, I was out there all alone defending my marriage without God. I wasn't a match for satan. My marriage wasn't a match for satan without God. Hindsight is twenty-twenty. Yes, obedience IS better than sacrifice. Now I'm paying the ultimate price for my disobedience, the loss of my marriage. I'm not saying that I'm the only cause of the breakdown but what I am and saying is we were out of order from the beginning eventually running into chaos, confusion and disharmony because we were charting our own course. What's unfortunate, is not only will we suffer, but our children will also pay the price. My heart is heavy. I'm so thankful and grateful for God's amazing grace in my life right now. Have you ever looked back and found that you went off course somewhere but God's grace was there all along? What are you sacrificing in your life right now that will cost you so much more than you're wanting to pay down the line? #lettinggo #obeygod #trustgod #faith #marriage #brokenmarriage #divorce #family