• Stacey

Why I Left my Husband

This is one of my earlier post from the blog before the divorce was final. I took the blog off line until the divorce process was complete so I thought it would be good to share now.

How can I leave someone who I've been married to for 20 years? How can I just stop or quit this life and start over? How can I leave when there are children involved? My loved ones and friends have been asking me the same questions. Many of them are baffled and at a loss for words. Let me try to explain.  I want to share three reasons why I believe or KNOW it's time to move on. These are in no particular order and by themselves could possibly be worked through but together combined with others are definitely deal breakers. Since I've shared a lot about the spiritual importance in my life and how I must be obedient to my calling, I'm going to tell you why I would leave even without a devine calling on my life.

Three reasons I would leave my husband after twenty years of marriage:

1. Personal development

2. Mental health

3. My children 

Personal development is one of the top "must haves" in my life. I have to be me! I have to be in a space where I'm allowed to grow, where I'm allowed to dream, where I'm allowed to have vision and exercise my faith. I must be able to evolve, to reinvent myself, to change my mind. I need someone who gets me, who understands me and more importantly who believes in me. I need my soul mate to cheer for me, to encourage me and to stand for me even when my faith is fading. I need to know that my man wants me to win and would never try to hold me back or sabotage my efforts. I need to know that he is my biggest cheerleader. Why do I need or require all these things? Only because I promise to be all of this for him. I can honestly say that in all of our efforts, my ex and I did not bring out the best in each other. It's very sad to say but we've both admitted that we would be better apart then we are together in many ways. In a healthy relationship, two are supposed to be better than one. Becoming one should add to, not take away from the relationship. 

Mental health is another high priority on my list. For a very long time before I married my ex, I was in an unhealthy place mentally. I was broken because of a verbally, emotionally/mentally, and physically abusive step father. I was able to find a great amount of healing through individual counseling, family counseling and developing a spiritual connection with God. My priority was inner healing because I didn't want to carry all that baggage into marriage or into raising a family. Because my ex met me in all of my families chaos and craziness, he experienced a lot of my brokenness. Mine showed up in me being extremely controlling and mean. I was never mean to him but he could see my wrath poured out on others. He became the softer side of me and I don't mean that in a weak way but he was a buffer for me and he brought a lot of balance to my life. He honestly loved me back to health. In the seven years prior to marriage, he saw the best in me. He looked past all of my faults and could see my heart. He believed in me and pushed me into my greatness. I was able to receive his love and reciprocate it. He became my everything. I loved him with a love I'd never known and I wanted him to become all that he desired so I pushed him into his greatness.  Well that was then (before marriage) and this is now. Like I said, I've healed and I fought to be healthy. It was not easy. I gave up so much ego, pride, ignorant mindsets and unhealthy patterns that it caused my thermostat to change for the better. Those negative experiences with my abusive step father caused me to understand what I would and would not tolerate in marriage or life. So three years ago when I could see that the relationship was going south fast, I tried to intervene only to realize we had lost each other. We had gone some place in marriage where a couple must never go. We engaged in "battle", a hand full of battles, where we both crossed the lines with such disrespect. Using choice words to tear down instead of build up and I realized we were no longer fighting as a couple, to reach common ground or resolution; we were fighting individually. We were fighting against each other, going in for the kill. At one point, I remember speaking to my ex afterwards and apologizing. I remember telling him we could never fight like that again. He gave me a look of utmost disrespect as to say,  I'll talk to you how ever I want to talk to you. I knew the end was near. Because of my past, because of my inner healing, I recognized the red flag of verbal abuse that was being raised. I sounded the alarm that we were in trouble but he didn't hear it. I wanted marriage counseling but he was against it.  My thermostat had been set in the past to never tolerate abuse of any kind. I am a woman who understands my value. I know my worth. I'm not trying to be boisterous or anything like that but my space, my time, my health trumps any type of dysfunction especially when my well being is on the line.This brings me to my last point, my children.

I've given up (we've given up so much) for our children so that they would know that they are loved, so that they would become confident, intelligent, god-fearing contributors of society. I am the the biggest role model or should I say, should be. I have to practice what I preach. It is my job to prepare my girls to be amazing women and show my sons the type of woman to attract. I teach my children they are worthy, that they are valuable and not to allow anyone to treat them any differently. When others treat them poorly or with disrespect, I teach them not to tolerate that treatment. Their space, their time, their lives are too valuable to allow those with negative energy to occupy it. I have to be true to what I believe. It tears me to pieces that this is happening in my own marriage but it has been going on for a while. I cannot bear the thought of continuing on in a marriage where I'm miserable and/or losing myself. I don't want to model that behavior for my children. No one who is deeply and passionately in love with their husband would ever make the decision to end the marriage without giving it much agonizing thought. It took me three years to reach this decision. I weighed it heavily. I went over the pro's and con's. I considered my children. Are you kidding me? When I wake their on my mind. Throughout the day my mind searches high and low for the best way to break this horrific news to them. When I lay down to sleep, I meditate and try to think of only good thoughts concerning my children. Prayers are constantly going up for them. Prayers are constantly going up for my ex and I, that we will not fight in our flesh. We will not allow our emotions and hurt feelings to dictate our actions but will find strength from God to truly do what's best for the kids. I cannot lie when I say there is a bit of fear rising up in me but I cannot and will not allow fear to stop me from doing what I feel is best for me and the kids. The Lord did not tell me to leave my husband. He told me to COME and in my coming my ex's response was, what if I don't want that life... and there was my answer wrapped inside the truth of my his honesty. This is not the end of the list of "why's" but these coupled together with others created the breaking point. Everyone has a breaking point. I've reached mine. What is your breaking point? Maybe it's not in marriage but in whatever area of life. Where do you draw the line and raise up a standard for yourself? Have you ever been in a predicament where your only yes resided in your heart and nothing else made sense? #startingover #gettingbacktome #breakingpoint #dealbreaker #lettinggo #divorce #newblog